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Re: [Shop-talk] relationship advice, (it's shop related, really!)

To: "Trevor Boicey" <trevor@boicey.com>, <eric@megageek.com>
Subject: Re: [Shop-talk] relationship advice, (it's shop related, really!)
From: <shochschild@att.net>
Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2007 20:48:32 -0600
>> WOW!  A ton of great advice!
>>
>> First, I can't believe how many people here are married 30+ years.

Not to be a big downer, but I got divorced after 17 long years.  Our 
hobbies, sports, and projects became a huge divisive issue once we were no 
longer primarily parental units.  Ultimately I decided that I would rather 
do what I wanted to do than be married to her.

I tried to get her involved.  For example, our son and I loved racing, and 
we went to a bunch of races, 12 of 15 IRL races one year, but she was not 
interested.  When I decided to start racing myself, we decided that to be 
fair I needed to spend as much money on her as I did on racing.  That year I 
finished 7th in the region, and my mortgage was my third largest expense, 
after my 944 and all the jewelry I bought her.

But I wasn't interested in her activities either.  A former tennis pro, she 
adjusted by becoming a tennis wife; if the sun was shining, she was at the 
club.  She won level 5 singles, doubles, and mixed doubles club 
championships one year, but I never went to a single of her matches.  I 
doubt I could keep score at a tennis match.  Stick and ball sports, 
ptooey...

As someone else mentioned, there were 15 years or so where our commitments 
to our interests were governed by the continual care our son required.  We 
were blessed to have a son who wanted to be with each of us, so he went to 
races with me, and went to the club with her.  But once he was able to take 
care of his schedule, we were free to get back into our passions once again, 
and very quickly we grew apart.

If I could have watched some tennis, and if she would have watched some 
racing, things might have turned out differently, but frankly, I doubt 
either one of us could have even faked it.  I think we did the right thing 
when we got married and had our son, but I also think we did the right thing 
to split up once our son grew up.  He is a great kid, a junior in Mechanical 
Engineering, and I couldn't be prouder or happier with how he turned out.

So as a counter example which supports the same advice everyone else has 
given, make sure you are interested in each other's lives, not just because 
they are your partner, but because you are interested in what they are too. 
Does she like to do any kind of hobby/craft/creative thing?  If she doesn't 
'have the making things bug', she will begrudge you everything you do that 
can't be spun as frugal, or handy, or helpful.  And btw, you shouldn't have 
fixed everything at once in her apt., you should have spread it out to give 
it more brownie point/special favor value.

[I am also an inveterate collector, but she didn't collect anything (but 
cash).  This was a huge issue, because I wanted to buy things, and she saw 
them as taking up space and being a silly waste of time and energy.  This is 
not exactly the same thing, but very similar.  Just as we on this list might 
be seen as eccentric, collectors are not understood by people who don't 
collect anything, either.]

FWIW, I have been dating a kind and empathetic woman for 4 years now, and we 
go to auctions on dates, she makes stained glass, sews, and is an avid scrap 
booker.  We take cooking classes, go to art galleries, and last year she had 
a bunch of fun at the NHRA drags.  She is happy to have me in my garage 
working on my cars, while she is at her house doing stuff, and we are very 
happy together.

Good luck!

P.S. Do you live in a community property state?
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