Funny, very funny!
Mike Baker
-----Original Message-----
From: owner-datsun-roadsters@autox.team.net
[mailto:owner-datsun-roadsters@autox.team.net]On Behalf Of Alan Bent
Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 1999 9:37 AM
To: roadster list
Subject: Covert surveillance on the Tyler residence
I recently recieved a letter from someone who had carried out a covert
surveillance on Jim Tyler's residence. Apparently he was doing research
for a TV special on the Comedy Channel about bad jokes, and he thought
Tyler's car port was a good place to start. He made his move late one
night, the aim was to quitely enter the Tyler carport, he soon realised
this was going to be harder than he expected as he trudged through the
mountains of empty Bud cans littering the back yard. The door lock
offered little resistance and he entered the Tyler inner sanctum. He
shone his torch around inside, illuminating the Rambo posters and
pictures of Edsels and Corvairs that covered the walls. In the middle of
the floor was a partially dismantled car. At first it appeared to be a
Yugo with the roof cut off, but it was in fact the Tyler modified
Roadster. It took him a while to figure out that it was a Roadster, only
realising what it was when he noticed the only original or unaltered
part on the car, the windscreen washer jets. He then moved past the
Tyler Roadster and walked across the purple and green carpet that Jim
had only last week ripped up from him lounge room floor (he used some of
the carpet on the floor of his carport and the rest to line the trunk of
his Roadster), making his way past the old car seats that he uses as
lounge chairs. Past that he could see a work bench just under the moose
head mounted on the wall. He approached the bench, which was covered in
rubble. He brushed aside the Brittany Spears CDs and self help books,
and there it was. Rumours had been circulating for months about this,
but here it was, right in front of him, the manuscript for Jim Tyler's
new book, "How to build the Redneck Roadster". He made a quick copy of
the partially completed book before he left the carport, carefully
stepping over the sleeping rotweiller. Unfortunately much of the text
was unreadable, but this is a few excerpts from "How to build the
Redneck Roadster".
>From the introduction section of the book-
"First you must select the Roadster you are going to modify (butcher).
Preferably you should select one of the rarer and more desirable models,
like a 67 1/2 2000 or a 3 seater 1500. Also it is best to select a
really nice condition original example to work on (destroy). Now that
you have selected your Roadster, attack it with an oxy torch and a
hammer......."
>From the Engines section of the book-
"Being a Tyler, you will have a limited understanding of all things
mechanical, and you will want more power. So rather than carry out the
simple and well documented performance modifications to your original
engine, you instantly concede defeat and go in search of a new "modern"
engine. (newer always means better, you knew that didn't you?)"
"There are a few important things to remember when choosing an engine.
The best thing to do is to measure your engine compartment, then, with
your tape measure in hand, go to a wrecking yard and measure lots of
different engines. You must then select an engine that will NOT easily
fit in your Roadster. If you pick one that will fit easily in you won't
have an excuse to play with your blow torch. Next, you should choose a
really fat, heavy engine like an L28, that weighs 50% more than the
original engine. This way you can sling all that extra weight over the
front wheels and really stuff up the handling of the car. (remember,
handling is for sissys, all that matters is straight line speed.) The
other really good thing about using a "modern" engine is you get all the
"modern" performance goodies like smog pumps, exhaust gas rebreathers,
catalytic converters, etc."
"Contrary to popular opinion the front suspension cross member doesn't
bear a great deal of load, you can cut out large sections of this member
in your quest to make that oversize engine fit."
>From the interior section-
"Big stereo, you must have a big stereo. A big stereo won't fit in the
centre console so you will have to mount it under the dashboard on the
passenger side. (no need to use a drill, screws go straight into plastic
dashes) Then mount 2 speakers under the dash and 4 in the doors. The
parcel shelf makes a great place to mount the "Bass Cannon"."
"Sheep skin seat covers and shag pile carpets look great. Other must
have items are the 8 ball gear knob, fizzy dice on the rear view mirror,
police radio scanner, CB radio and at least 4 cup holders.
>From the external modifications section-
"The trunk lid should be removed, this way the Roadster can be used as a
pick-up truck. This will also help you pretend you are driving the real
Tyler dream machine, a Ford F250."
"Suspension should be dropped 3 inches at the front and raised 3 inches
at the back. The best choice of wheels are those chrome plated pressed
steel wheels, the ones with the flat plate in the centre with no holes
in it. You don't really need any air flow to the brakes."
"You need big wheel arch flares, the bigger the better."
"Your dopey big new engine sits too high to allow the hood to shut. This
is no problem, all you do is cut a big hole in the hood, then glue on
the hood bulge off a Trans-Am. Big flames painted down the side of the
car look great. Don't forget the bulls horns on the hood."
"You need a roll bar. There is only one reason you need a roll bar, so
you have somewhere to mount your gun rack. Make sure you also use a
1962-1967 steering wheel, the big holes in the steering wheel make great
shotgun cartridge holders."
"After you install the roll bar you should stand back and look at the
roll bar and say "Wow, that ugly mass of twisted pipes I just bolted to
my car really screems 'Catch me if you can'".
.
(all in fun :-)
Alan Bent - Queensland , Australia
1966 Fairlady SP311 - 1965 Silvia CSP311
1966 Fairlady SP311 - 1964 Fairlady 3 seater SP310
1964 Fairlady 3 seater SP310 - 1964 Cedric Wagon WP31
1963 Bluebird P312 - 1963 Bluebird P312
1963 Cedric P31 - 1964 Cedric Wagon 1964
1969 Super Six G130
http://www.geocities.com/MotorCity/Pit/3823/index.html
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