[Healeys] common tools and their use

[I Erbs]

 Common Tools and How to Use Them
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> Thought you could relate to this....
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>  SKIL SAW:
>  A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
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>  BELT SANDER:
>  An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
> into major refinishing jobs.
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>  WIRE WHEEL:
>  Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
> workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
> 'Oh shit'.
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>  DRILL PRESS:
>  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
> stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
> your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you
> had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
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>  Channel Locks:
>  Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
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>  HACKSAW:
>  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
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>  VISE-GRIPS:
>  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
> nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
> welding heat to the palm of your hand.
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> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop
> and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
> hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
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>  TABLE SAW:
>  A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>  Very effective for digit removal !!
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>  HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
>  Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
> installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
> the bumper.
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>  BAND SAW:
>  A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
> large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
> after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
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>  TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
>  A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you
> forgot to disconnect.
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>  PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
>  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
> can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
> heads.
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>  STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
>  A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
> slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
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>  PRY BAR:
>  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
> needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
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>  PVC PIPE CUTTER:
>  A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
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>  HAMMER:
>  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
> as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
> the object we are trying to hit.
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>  UTILITY KNIFE:
>  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
> delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such
> as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
> for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
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>  SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
>  Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
> yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need

Ira Erbs
Portland, OR
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