[Healeys] FW: Tools

[NPaul72464 at aol.com]

very funny and frighteningly true!
Ned Paulsen
Webster, NY
 
 
In a message dated 2/6/2009 10:23:44 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,  
ryan at jimryan.com writes:

-----Original Message-----
From: Pete Muir  <propertyinnc at gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, February 06, 2009 8:22  AM
To: Jim Ryan <ryan at jimryan.com>
Subject: Tools

DRILL  PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar  stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings  
your
beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had  
carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench  with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses  from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,' What  
the...??''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in  their holes
until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt  heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An  electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor 
touch-ups
into major  refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the  Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked,  unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the  more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to  completely round off bolt heads. 
If
nothing else is available, they can  also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your  hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the  conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your  hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various  flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease  inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A  large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles with  the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC  FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after 
you
have  installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under  
the
bumper.
EIGHT-FO

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