<fontfamily><param>Geneva</param> I was on my way down to the local
bookstore to buy my copy of Classic & Sportscar, and as I kissed my
wife good-bye before hopping in my TR-4, she said "Have a nice trip to
get your car porn, love." When I asked her to explain, she pointed out
how I was going to buy a magazine filled with glossy color photos of
good-looking things I couldn't have and could only fantasize about
because they were too expensive. Sounded like pornography to her, and
when I gave it a moment's thought, I realized she was right - I was
going out to buy car
porn.</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Geneva</param> Once convinced of the
basic validity of the metaphor, I started to think about how one could
classify the various classic car magazines on the market by comparing
them to various pornographic magazines. It's easier than you might
think. First off, Classic & Sports Car and Thoroughbred & Classic are
clearly the Playboy and Penthouse of the classic car world. They have
pictures of all sorts of cars, as long as they are sporty and fairly
expensive. They also pretty much only have pictures that one might
term "soft core" car porn - the cars have all their paint on, they look
nice and are polished, and you don't see them taken apart or, heaven
forbid, having big rust holes repaired. They are also the largest and
the most mass market, going for a wide audience, and they have lots of
words in them, not just
pictures.</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Geneva</param> Practical Classics, on
the other hand, is clearly the Hustler of the classic car porn world.
The cars are not as fancy and stylish as in the previous two magazines,
but they are more approachable - it's easier to imagine you might
actually date ..., oh, I mean buy one of them. Practical Classic is
also more hard core - you get to see what is under the hood while the
man with the spanner tightens a few things up - very intimate. Lot of
pictures, not as many
words.</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Geneva</param> For American readers,
British Car magazine is an oddity of car porn - sort of like a
combination of Big Hooters with the Journal of Gynecology. Any kind of
picture of a car will do, as long as its British, just like Big Hooters
will carry any sort of picture, as long as it involves, well, big
hooters. But British Car has all that detailed advice stuff as well,
very clinical - I guess they want to appeal to every American no matter
how weird their tastes in car porn
are.</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Geneva</param> As for the various
single marque magazines, like Jaguar World or The Triumph Register,
they are just like the sort of very specialized magazines found only
behind the counter in plain wrappers, something like Blonde Teens Who
Like Riding Horses In The Nude Covered With Chocolate Sauce. For these
car porn devotees, only one specific kind of porn will do, only
pictures of one specific kind of car will get them off ..... the couch
to polish something in the
garage.</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Geneva</param> As for club
newsletters, well that's just plain dirty, exactly like the stuff
collected by local groups of perverts who pass around the latest child
pornography. Crudely printed, amateur layout, but for the faithful the
thing they must have so that they and their fellow perv ... enthusiasts
can get together and compare what it is they have in their
driveways.</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Geneva</param> So what sort of car
porn consumer am I? Well, I must confess that I am an addict - I read
all kinds, and I just can't get enough. Good thing my wife is so
understanding, not to mention my
TR-4....</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Geneva</param>Mark "Is that an
alternator in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Clark</fontfamily><fontfamily><param>Times</param>
</fontfamily>
Dr. Mark Clark
Oregon Institute of Technology
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