"Oil Change Instructions For Non Vintage Racers"
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the
> last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> maintained vehicle.
> Money spent:
> $20.00 for oil change
> $1.00 for coffee
> Total = $21.00
>
> ================================
>
> "Oil Change Instructions For Vintage Racers"
>
> 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
> 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
> it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
> 3) Open a beer; drink it, or 2 or 3...
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9) Give up looking after 15 minutes and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; burn hand in hot oil, get it
> all over your clothes in process.
> 12) Clean up mess.
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
> 15) Give up looking after 10 minutes, poke oil filter with
> screwdriver and twist off.
> 16) Get a couple of beers.
> 17) Buddy shows up to lend technical support, helps finish case of
> beer; unanimous committee decision to finish oil change tomorrow.
> 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11 & 18.
> 20) Beer. No, wait a minute -- drank it all yesterday.
> 21) Walk to store cussing because car is not running; buy beer.
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> to gasket surface.
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 26) Remember that the used oil is dumped in a hole in the back yard,
> along with drain plug.
> 27) Drink beer.
> 28) Go fishing in hole and sift through muck for drain plug.
> 29) Mutter under breath about first quart of fresh oil, now on the floor.
> 30) Drink beer.
> 31) Slip with crescent wrench while tightening drain plug, bang
> knuckles on frame.
> 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
> 33) Begin uncontrollable cussing fit.
> 34) Throw wrench.
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes due to thrown wrench damaging
> Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
> 35) More Beer.
> 36) Clean up hands and forehead; bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> 37) More Beer.
> 38) Another beer.
> 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 40) Beer.
> 41) Lower car from jack stands.
> 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
> 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> during step 23.
> 44) Beer.
> 45) Test drive car.
> 46) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
> 47) Car gets impounded.
> 48) Make bail; retrieve car from impound yard.
> Money spent:
> $50.00 parts
> $27.50 beer
> $75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey the colors have to match!!!!)
> $1,000.00 Bail
> $200.00 Impound and towing fee
> $2,379.50 Fines and court costs
>
> $3,732.00 Total
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