----- Original Message -----
From: David Weaver
To: Brian Clark ; Dan Ferrera ; Dave Jeppson ; Steve Mattana ; Greg Orrack ;
Tony Pardini ; Sheila Smith ; Barry Spencer ; Jay Weaver@ AOL
Sent: Wednesday, January 09, 2002 6:08 PM
Subject: Oil Change
> Oil Change instructions for Women:
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> the last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00.
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men:
> 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
> filter,
> kitty litter,
> hand cleaner and a scented tree.
> 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
> it
> back to O'Reilly
> to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in
> process.
> 12) Clean up mess.
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
> 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
> 16) Beer.
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
> tomorrow.
> 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> to
> gasket surface.
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard,
> along with drain plug.
> 27) Drink beer.
> 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> 30) Drink beer.
> 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on
> frame.
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
> 34) Throw wrench.
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
> (1992) in the left boob.
> 36) Beer.
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
> blood flow.
> 38) Beer.
> 39) Beer.
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 41) Beer.
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> during step 23.
> 45) Beer.
> 46) Test drive car.
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> 48) Car gets impounded.
> 49) Make bail.
> 50) Get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $25.00
> Total-- $4150.00
> -- But you know the job was done right!
|