Found posted on rec.crafts.metalworking by Jim Stewart :
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Frequently asked questions about Li'l British Cars:
Q. Should I install a crane electronic ignition to my Spitfire?
A. No. Cranes, which are used to lift very heavy things (like
Austin-Healey engines), have motors that operate at very low RPM's; the
advance curve would be wrong.
Q. My LBC won't start and I suspect the fuel pump. Help!
A. This is common on British cars, and will provide you with many happy
hours spent with your LBC. American cars do not have this problem, it
seems; the rear of Yank cars are raised so high that the fuel tank is above the
carburettors, which are then fed by gravity, thus not requiring fuel
pumps.
Q. I have an 1970 MGB for sale, red, 61K miles. Anyone interested?
A. Not anymore. The fact that you, like most everyone else, didn't put a
location in your message, did not stop us from finding out that you and
your car are in Sri Lanka. A lovely island, to be sure, but nobody wants to pay
the $15,000 in freight to get the car back here.
Q. Is my car's name pronounced "Jag-wahr" or "Jag-wire"?
A. Well, you are correct in that it's two syllables, but it sounds more
like "bring-cash".
Q. What's the best way to keep my LBC from rusting?
A. Having NASA loft the car into a polar orbit should be effective, but
you wouldn't be able to drive the car. You could get get most of the
benefits, including not being able to drive the car, by building a dehumidified
garage and never taking the car out of it.
Q. If I could afford a dehumidified garage, I'd be driving a "Jag-wire",
you fool. Now what?
A. Buy a Daimler SP250 and leave it in the driveway. Even if your
neighbors drive current-generation Tauruses and Citroens, they'll be
offended enough by this eyesore that they will take up a collection to build a
garage for you. If another neighbor brings home a Zimmer Golden Spirit, however,
then
you've been out-bid.
Q. Can you recommend a good, reliable mechanic that services LBC's for
reasonable rates?
A. Sorry, wrong List. Send a 'subscribe' message to gullible@naive.com ,
they should be able to help you.
Q. I'm looking for a MIG welder at affordable prices. Where should I
look?
A. Try the Russian Air Force; current price is two pairs of blue jeans
and they'll throw in a Trabant to use as a welding cart. BTW, welders
designed for cars work almost as well.
Q. I do not understand the animosity on the List towards Miatas. Should
I trade in my LBC on one?
A. Not a good deal from a financial standpoint. All of the money you
will have spent so far on engine hoists, sandblasters, MIG welders,
bearing presses, etc., would have been wasted. Keep your LBC so that you get a
return on your investment in these tools.
Q. Should I keep my older LBC perfectly original, with no modern
"enhancements"?
A. Absolutely. Scrounge the junkyards for 30-year-old gas out of the
tanks of cars wrecked long ago. Finding vintage air for the tires might
be tougher; exhuming the dead to pump air from their lungs is frowned upon. Fill
the glove box with antique unpaid parking tickets, most drivers in major cities
have
plenty of these. Old brake fluid is easy, as most of us on the List have many
half-filled cans left over from previous brake jobs, and we'll be glad to sell
it to you. BTW, Check out the List from your Univac computer with a baud rate of
something like five or six.
Q. What does MOWOG mean?
A. Nothing. The man who made the wood forms for castings liked subtle
practical jokes.
Q. Should I use silicon break fluid in my car?
A: Of course. Since silicon is essentially sand, it does not absorb
water as readily as standard brake (note spelling for future reference)
fluid. It is easy on paint, provided you don't blow it at the paint at high
velocity, or stick it on paper and rub it across the paint.
Q. I have read that rubber break seals swell up in DOT 3. Is that right?
A: Yup. Look like gummy bears in a day or so and leak like crazy nuts.
In DOT 5, on the other hand, they don't swell up quite enough, and leak
like crazy nuts. In DOT 4, however, they swell up just enough. It is called the
Goldilocks principle. Interestingly, gummy bears soaked in DOT 3 are perfectly
preserved, but they taste terrible.
And for future reference, it is brake, not break.
Q. Is it true you should not store batteries on concrete?
A. Nope. It is perfectly ok to store batteries on concrete. It is not
considered proper, however, to repair the rust holes in the battery tray
of your car with concrete. Take it to a body shop and have it repaired properly
with aluminum and rivets.
Q. Has anyone heard of this Moss Motors place?
A. Yes.
Q. What size tires should I put on my MGB?
A. Use 195/70 SR 14 on the driver's side, and 175/70 SR 14 on the
passenger's side. This combination compensates nicely for the different
settling of the springs on the two sides. Do not get confused and put the two
larger tires on the front; the constant struggle to go uphill will substantially
reduce
performance.
Q. What color British Racing Green should I use to match my original
paint?
A. 94 subtly different British Racing Green were used on MGB's. Most
people give up and paint their car Porsche red. If you are trying to
match the original paint with BRG and have a problem, consider the possibility
your car may have originally been yellow or white. It may be tough to get an
exact match
to either of these with BRG, but it should be close enough for most practical
purposes.
Q. On my way to work today I saw 6 Miatas with their tops up. Why is
that?
A. It is not well known, but the Miata isn't actually a convertible. It
has a fixed head, cunningly covered with cloth to resemble a
convertible, like many Lincoln Town Cars. Any you see with the top actually down
are custom conversion jobs.
Q. I have a really bad leak from my gas tank. Is it OK if I get some
plumber's solder and a propane torch and solder up the hole?
A. It's OK with us. In the interest of preserving your car for future
generations to enjoy, remove the tank first and perform the soldering
operation some distance from the car. Adios.
Q. My car overheats all the time. My mechanic said the water is moving
through the radiator too fast to get cooled off. Is this right?
A. Well, although it makes no physical sense whatever, racers and
mechanics everywhere agree completely that one way to improve the
cooling of your car is to slow down the flow through the radiator. Many owners
swear that this has worked for them. British cars, it seems, are so nearly human
that they
succumb to the placebo effect. It is probably worth noting that the owners of
british cars are nearly human, too.
Scions Of Laughter
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