I suspect that most Sunbeam Tiger owners have to be part engineer. In that
case the following probably applies to many of us. From reading the postings,
it isn't difficult to know who those individuals are.
Bill
THE TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating
aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social
interaction:
* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:
* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like
to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will
create
their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they
believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it
ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a
television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it
into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some
sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer,
the world is a toy box full of sub optimized and feature poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages
are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts or mammary glands
are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.
Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a
small wonder, since the engineers on the star ship Enterprise are portrayed
as heroes, occasionally even mating with aliens. This is much more glamorous
than the real social life of an engineer.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized
as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,
and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would
prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire
to mate with them, thus producing engineer- like children who will have
high paying jobs long before they start dating.
Male engineers reach their peak of physical attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of irresistible men in technical
professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etceteras.
Female engineers become irresistible to male engineers at the age of
consent and remain that way until, oh, about their clinical death.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in
the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead
prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge
for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the
media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
* RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
* REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible
for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach
is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back
to a second line of defense:
"It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get
the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become a personal
battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than anything
else.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something
along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve
difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between
the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a
starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
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