Received this from my dad, the future Tiger owner:
Toasters
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to
be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to
buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but
you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would
weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power
a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light
or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since
most of the good bread only works with their toaster.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when
it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a
little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these
toasters would require a special set of MacToasters Tools to
even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all
the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on
the MacToaster.
If the NeXT Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.
Their service department would have an unlisted number, and
the blueprints for the box would be highly classified
government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If NSA made toasters (National Security Agency)...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could access in case they needed to get at your toaster for
reasons of national security.
Does DEC still make toasters?
They made good toasters in the 70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes
in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the
single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted
piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster and
serialized certificate of authentic reproduction.
If Cray made toasters...
The would cost $16 million and would be faster than any
other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a
couple of years.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces if bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters
that take a licking and keep on toasting (batteries not included).
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
it. You would be able to buy the parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If a governmental aerospace company made toasters..
Congress would not let them make more than a total of three and
they would have to cost ten percent less than their fair market
value. The systems engineering effort would necessitate relocating
an entire program office across the country. The toasters would be
state-of-the-art and perfect, but the toast would never be available
until after you needed it.
What if the English Automobile Industry made toasters...
In the late 40 s thru the mid 60 s there would be over 40 different
brands of toasters available, no two of which would be alike.
As time passes, the actual number of manufacturer s decrease to two,
one of which is a Japanese subsidiary. There would still be over 30
different brands, but the only difference would be the name plates.
If Lucas made toasters...
They would come with an optional accessory kit that included flint
and tinder. This kit would be a popular replacement item.
If The Rootes Group made toasters...
There would be several Marques available, each with
its unique market:
At the low-end would be the Minx. A diminutive toaster, made
with thin metal and plain finish. It would make satisfactory
toast, slowly.
In the mid-range is the Alpine. Handsomely styled in a manner
reminiscent of an American toaster made ten years earlier. It
looks were refined over the few years of it s manufacture, as well
as its power. At the peak of it s performance it could only get to
lightly toasted.
For the performance enthusiast there was the Tiger. Using the
same basic shell as the Alpine, the internal works were imported
from an American manufacturer who was discontinuing the line. Unlike
its cousin, this model really cooked. Its range was from medium
over-done to burned-black. Twin black strips are also left on the
counter-top from the small rubber feet. This toaster was poorly
insulated and tended to overheat in mild weather.
The top of the line was the Super-Snipe Toaster. This model comes
in a handsome presentation case made from Connely hide. The toaster
is contained in a fitted plush lined interior. The toaster is
manufactured from the finest chromium plated pressed brass with
chased sterling silver Marque badges. The base of the toaster
is in hand-crafted burled walnut with a hand-rubbed finish.
An electrical outlet fitting is not supplied, as this unit is
not actually meant to make toast, and contains no electrical
apparatus. The gentlemans personal valet makes the toast in
the kitchen oven, places it in the toast receptacle slots, and
brings it to the dinning table. A brisk twist of the wrist
opens the sides of the toaster and presents the finished
products horizontally in the old-school manner, rather than the
rude pop-up of more modern design.
If P, N & M, Attorneys at Law, made toasters,
They would be accompanied by a half page instruction manual
and a 200 page product liability disclaimer. While the toaster
would make excellent toast, it must be fed two
One hundred dollar bills every half-hour to keep operating.
Thought you might like all that.
Jay
Jay S. Laifman
Pircher, Nichols & Meeks
1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California 90067
(310) 201-8915
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