As you all know, Mr. Barry Schwartz just can't leave his cars well
enough alone. Not that he hasn't built nice cars. After all, he takes
home all the awards where ever he goes, and has given immeasurable
amounts of inspiration and advice to the rest of us who are really just
also-rans in Barry's shadow.
But, this TBI-on-a-Spitfire stuff is just taking it a bit too far. I
had to do some real checking into things here, just to make sure. Here
is frightening news of what I found.
Mr. Barry Schwartz is not the mild mannered car buff we all think he
is. Nooooo... Not by a long shot. He is part of a secret network of
genius engineers and mechanics out to change the entire enterprise of
automobile locomotion as we know it. My sources tell me, and I have a
friend who has seen the plans and photos (though they won't let us make
copies of them) of this supposed "TBI" system. Ha! It's no TBI. It is
a top secret Cold Fusion Deutronium Ion Propulsion cleverly concealed as
a "Triumph" with a "Ford V6" and "GM TBI". When you finally see his
finished car at the next show, look carefully. VERY CAREFULLY.
Not only that, I have PROOF. Incontrovertible PROOF of this secret
scheme of his. And you will all know it on May 19. You know what I
mean. It is crystal clear. Consider this: His is building a "Triumph
Ford V6 TBI" right? Add up the letters. 16. What is the 16th letter
of the alphabet? "P" . Now, add up the letters of his name: Barry
Schwartz: 13. The 13th letter is "M". Now think: "P" and "M". That
could only stand for one thing! The PHANTOM MENACE! Of course! Some
of us suspected it all along. His is building the Phantom Menace! The
roadways will never be the same again! To know what I mean, my sources
tell me you will find it in the last scene of the movie (although with
camouflage fenders and a few changes).
Barry, you can't hide from inquiring minds. Have mercy on us mere
mortal mechanics!
Brian Neuschwander.
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