[Tigers] Retrospective on Alternative History by Larry Wright and Steve Laifman

Sat Nov 27 12:01:02 MST 2021

Jay,
This was just brilliant! I too hear your father's dry humor, it's what I
grew up with around my house as well. I missed these the first time around
as I didn't join the Tiger list until 2000 or so.
Bugz

On Fri, Nov 26, 2021 at 10:44 PM Jay via Tigers <tigers at autox.team.net>
wrote:

> I was going though old papers, and came across some early 1996 Tiger group
> emails that I had printed out back in 1996.  Yeah, remember that?  Paper
> printing?  This was 25 years ago!  Larry was clearly in a creative mood and
> sent five emails about alternative history, then my dad provided a few of
> his own.  I hope you enjoy this - and add some new ones!!!!
>
>
> Larry’s (all five emails combined):
>
> 1965:  Sunbeam’s fastback Tiger LeMans series now account for half of
> Tiger sales, outstripping sales of Chevrolet’s Corvette.  Ford’s new
> fastback, the Mustang, off to a slow start.
>
> 1966:  For the second year in a row, Sunbeam Tigers finish 1-2-3 at both
> LeMans and Sebring.  The lightened Superleggera bodywork, supplied by
> Touring of Italy, provided a dramatic performance improvement versus their
> first efforts in 1964.
>
> 1967:  Ford Motor Company resists pressure from its own dealers, and their
> domestic competition, to discount sales of engines to the Rootes Group,
> maker of the popular Sunbeam Tiger.  A six month waiting list exists for
> the popular cars, while domestic high-performance cars languish on dealers’
> lots.
>
> 1968:  Safety advocate Ralph Nader’s attack on the Sunbeam Tiger has
> fizzled.  His allegations of high risk for fire when struck from behind
> rang hollow when few instances of rear-end collisions were reports.
> Sunbeam management was heard to comment on the car’s high speed potential -
> "if the Tiger is that fast, how could it be hit from behind?”
>
> 1969:  Yet again, the NHRA Summernationals dominated by the Tigress, a
> variation of the popular Sunbeam Imp powered by Ford’s V8 engine.  Most
> important manufactures retrenching in the face of dizzying sales of Rootes’
> economy, and performance champion.
>
> 1970:  What would have been epoch-making safety legislation this year has
> been voted down in the Senate.  The pressure of public opinion, led by
> repeated protests by owners of the ubiquitous Sunbeam Tiger, indicates the
> public just does not want the styling of their cars spoilt by heavier
> bumpers or other safety features.
>
> 1971:  American Motors reports it may have to change its name, now being
> owned by a British company.  The Rootes Group hopes to cover the
> beleaguered Kenosha company’s plants to production of the Sunbeam Tiger,
> which incidentally is rumored to be come mid-engined in the next model
> year.  It is hoped that Wsconsin’s economy will benefit as Britain’s has,
> with record low unemployment for yet another year.
>
> 1972:  With so many of Ford’s V8 engine supplied in Rootes' Sunbeam
> Tigers, as well as the expanded Humber range and the revived Singer and
> Talbot brands, Ford is now the second biggest user of their own engines.
> In other news, collectors are rumored to be removing those V8’s to install
> four-cylinder engines to create replicas of the now-discontinued Alpine
> variant.
>
> 1973:  President McGovern today meets with Britain’s Prime Minister George
> Harrison.  It is expected that the US may pull out of NATO unless the
> balance-of-trade problem caused by sales of the cars built by the Rootes
> Group can be resolved.
>
> 1974:  Sears, Roebuck & Co. announced today that their 1,731 auto centers
> nationwide will become effectively Sunbeam Dealerships, offering new cars
> (badged as Allstates), servicing and parts.  Unique to Sears’ new approach
> is a racing preparation department, with high-performance engine by the
> Shelby American Corporation, a company believed to have been involved with
> Sunbeam’s successes in the early 1960’s.
>
> 1979: Sunbeam’s return to Formula One racing is in its fifth year, and
> expecting a second championship for star driver Mario Andretti.  The
> success enjoyed by Rootes’ competition department in using the Ford
> Cosworth V8 has prompted an announcement that this engine will power the
> next generation Tiger, breathing new life into this perennial best-seller.
>
> 1980:  The racing world was shocked today by NASCAR’s decision to admit
> the Kenosha-built Tigers in Grand National racing, leaving no major
> motorsports venue secure from the primacy of the Rootes group.  One wonders
> if the carnival bumper-car rides are the only place to avoid being trounced
> by Sunbeams.
>
> 1982:  This month’s Auto Industry Report features an in-depth interview
> with the Rootes chemist responsible for the new substance TripolyOxyFerron,
> which results from applying a new patented molecule to rusted steel, and is
> stronger than the original steel on which it is based.  This is expected to
> be received well by owners of existing Rootes products.  Also announced
> this month, by mail-order house J.C. Whitney, is a related product, a
> finish-abrading kit for car owners.  The news release claims “guaranteed
> prompt restting of any car” and urdes car owners to. “Man their cars
> sturdier today.”  A legal blocking action by Norton, Bear and other
> sandpaper manufactures is pending.
>
> 1988:  Completing an industry consolidation unprecedented in history,
> Rootes Group has acquired both Morgan Cars, Ltd. and the Rover Group,
> leaving Rootes the only carmaker in Britain.  Rover’s Jaguar marque, always
> at a performance and marketing disadvantage versus Sunbeam, now faces an
> uncertain future.  A spokesman for Morgan, however, states that no changes
> to their operation are anticipated.
>
> 1991:  A news release from United Artists hints at details of
> “Icebreaker,” the next James Bond film.  Actor Michael J. Fox, in the role
> for the third time, will drive a Sunbeam Tiger with suitable modifications
> in the picture.
>
> 1992:  Sunbeam dealers across the county can begin taking orders for
> ABS-equipped Tigers.  All that is required is to check off box LAT2718 on
> the order form.  Also, LAT2713, the rear-fasting third seat for the Husky
> mini-van, should begin shipping this week against all orders placed to date.
>
> 1996:  Shrewd investors in the classic-car market suggest that the next
> “sleeper” bound for rapid increases in value is the Shelby Cobra, an
> obscure roadster from the early 1960’s.  A few hundred of these
> Ford-powered sports cars were built, and they enjoyed some racing successes
> until succumbing to all-conquering Sunbeam Tigers.  Pick one up now for as
> little as five thousand dollars, and you can expect the value to double in
> the next five years.
>
> 2207:  Breakthroughs have been made on translating the transmission from
> Tau Ceti, giving valuable insight on how the Cetans became aware of us in
> the first place.  It seems that the Fredgling Cetan space program stumbled
> upon one of our old deep-space probes, the Star Tiger, launched by Rootes
> Aerospace late in the 20th century.  The earliest message-segments
> translated are requests for the whereabouts of one of their dieties, a Mr.
> Kenneth Howe, who the Cetans apparantly feel we can deliver to them.
> Historians are urgently searching the archives of the World Government for
> clues on the subject, as well as why the Cetans feel we share their
> religious deference for the number eight.  Stay netted for updates on this
> fast-breaking story.
>
> Steve Laifman (I so hear his humor in these):
>
> 1967:  British-Aerospace, a subsidiary of the Humber Divisions of the
> Rootes Group, has announced a joint venture with Renault-Aerospatiale to
> develop a supersonic transport airplane.  This “SSA” will travel at nearly
> twice the speed of sound from London to New York in 2 hours.  Powered by
> phased arrays of 289 cu. in. V-8 motors, manufactured in Coventry by the
> Singer-Jaguar Division, are said to be capable of extra-atmospheric
> flight.  Ticket reservations are being taken for a 200 pound English
> Sterling deposit, or $250,000.00 American dollars.  (400 pound balance due
> 6 months prior to departure).
>
> 1977: The first manned lunar landing, by Astronaught Sterling Moss, was
> accompanied by his cryptic historical comment “One small step for man one
> more world to conquer for Alpine!”  His historic voyage aboard the
> two-seater Sunbeam Tiger MoonMobile was only marred twice by having to
> smartly strike the Lucas fuel pump with his bumpershoot handle to restart
> the 900,000 horsepower Ford V-512 cylinder Tiger air-breathing rocket
> motor.  This motor is made by the Singer-Ford subsidiary of the Rootes
> Group in Colonial Arkansas.  Astronaught Moss pre-launch remarks about the
> sensibility of carrying 250,000 miles of Dunlop-Goodyear air-hose was taken
> as only in jest by His Majesty, while Mrs. Moss and the Children were
> present at the TV viewing in the luxurious and famous Tower of London Royal
> Apartments. (Note from Jay: as most know, my dad was an actual rocket
> scientist, who certainly knew how to spell.  So I can only surmise that
> when my dad typed “astronaught” it was another one of his tongue-in-cheek
> comments, and note that Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner spelled it that way for
> a gag they did).
>
> 1983:  The rumored production of a retro-Alpine 1955 dropped coupe by the
> insular Honda Motor Car Company of Japan has been denied by the Ministry of
> Trade and Industry (MITI).  They are quoted as saying “Any manufacture of
> products protected by international copyright and patent agreements could
> never happen in this country.  The rumor of nostalgia buffs is denied, and
> apologies are tendered to His Majesty’s Government and were delivered
> toPrime Minister John F. Kennedy’s ambassador, the Right Honourable Michael
> Jackson.”  His Majesty’s Government accepted the apology and stood down the
> Colonial Seventh Fleet being prepared for battle in Cook’s Harbour,
> Honolulu Colony.
>
> In other news, Setsumosa Kiosaka, manager of research and development at
> the Nissan-Mazda division of Honda was found to have committed ritual
> sepuku by severing his arms, legs, and head simultaneously in five rooms of
> his Tokyo apartment. No comment was forthcoming rom his widows or corporate
> spokesmen.
>
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