[Healeys] FW: Tools

[Jim Ryan]

-----Original Message-----
From: Pete Muir <propertyinnc at gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, February 06, 2009 8:22 AM
To: Jim Ryan <ryan at jimryan.com>
Subject: Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,' What the...??''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-ups
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles with the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FO

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