St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower,
and
liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders
afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and
other
poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a
three-day
dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use
this
time to prepare.
Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will
easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the
bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since
that's
where you'll probably end up: 1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5
pairs
Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz.
human
adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac
needles 1
trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish
whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout
the
day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you
ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of
St.
Patrick's Day, you are going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot
stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason
to
chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when
you
have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make
sure
this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the
best
alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However,
almost
every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings,
or
The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably
owned
by Koreans. Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any
circumstances.
The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not
wait
in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences.
While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask
unpleasant
smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet
with
spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely
overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out
with a
few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you
should
not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass
mug
topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will
call
you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for
coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream
can,
as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but
it's
important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing
Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If
you
want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling
that
could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or
Pop
Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both
will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are
hard
to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the
most
frightening phrase in the English
language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only
one
option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer,
but
remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.
Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people
take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're
doing
your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded
as
it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish
people, since the non-Irish person you came with has likely been taken
away
by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to
the
Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more
passionate
about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are
all
piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into
the
River Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three
derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for
hours.
You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you
may
want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become
irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing Your goal, of course, is to be the
last
person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since
a
blood alcohol content of 0.50 usually equals death, and you should be
pushing a 0.35 or 0.40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to
leave a
bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police.
Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any
sense since 3 o'clock, anyway.
You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been
gone
since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel
anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within
fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The
final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being
dragged
from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with
you.
You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar
should
have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.
By
following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience
would
be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically
impossible for you to remember any of it.
-Lena
Yahoo! Mail Personal Address - Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! Mail.
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