Even with the recent attempts to reduce quantity for quality, this had me in
stitches... sorry I had to forward to all my friends here on the list.
David Riker
74 Midget
63 Falcon
70 Torino
http://home.pacbell.net/davriker
----- Original Message -----
From "cruz chico" <cruznchico at hotmail.com>
>
> Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
> who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> "Recently I was honored to be selected as an
> outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a
> chili cookoff,
>
> because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original
> person
> called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
> standing
> there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
> wagon when
> the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
> Texans)
> that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they
> told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted.
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me
> two
> beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
> These
> Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
> be taken seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
> sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
> wave off two
> people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
> had to
> walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my
> face.
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
> Needs more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
> red peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
> nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
> the
> routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
> backbone is in
> the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
> dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
> was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing
> behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting
> to look
> HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
> tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
> statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
> my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics.
> The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had
> given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> by pouring
> beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off
> that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To hell
> with
> those rednecks!
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> Good balance of spice and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic. Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
> with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to
> stand
> behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass
> with a snow
> cone!
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
> canned peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
> should note
> that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in
> a
> bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a damn grenade in my mouth, pull
> thedamn pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
> the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
> of
> rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed
> out of my damn mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit
> to
> match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
> know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's
> too
> painful. To hell with it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
> If
> I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
> my
> stomach.
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
> declare its
> existence.
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
> neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
> when
> Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on
> top of
> himself. Not sure if he's going to make. Poor Yank.
> FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
> unable to report)
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