I thought Pilot Bob might appreciate these
..
> Subject: +++ Unless you've heard too many airline stories . . .
>
> During taxi the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made
> a
> wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground
> controller (female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming:
>
> "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie
> taxi
> way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult
> to
> tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right." Continuing
> her
> lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,
> "God,
> you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You
> stay
> right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
> progressive
> taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly
> where I
> tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you.
> You got that, US Air 2771?"
>
> The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am."
>
> Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
> verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate
> ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA
> was running high.
>
> Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air
> crew,
> an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I
> married to you once?"
>
> ------------------
>
> A controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
> three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between
> aircraft).
>
> The pilot of the 727 complained: "Do you know it costs us two thousand
> dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat
> the
> controller replied:
>
> "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
>
> -------------------
>
> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
> speed just a little too high.
>
> San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If
> not
> able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at
> the
> light to return to the airport."
> -----------------------
>
> It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
>
> vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
> KC
> Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following 727, one o'clock
> and
> three miles." Three-two-Charlie:
>
> "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your
> traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you
> have
> that traffic?" Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern
> drawl):
> "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu
>
> or a Chevelle, though."
> -----------------
>
> Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
>
> Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> immediately!"
>
> Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> ------------------
>
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
>
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure......by the way,
>
> after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
> the
> runway."
>
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
> on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635:
> "Continental 635, cleared for take off roger; and yes, we copied Eastern
>
> and we've already notified our caterers."
> -------------------
>
> O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
> one
> o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted
> to
> say this...
> I've got that Fokker in sight."
> --------------------
>
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
> lot.
> They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to
> get
> there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
> that we
> listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and
> a
> British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
>
> Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt.
>
> Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
>
> Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
>
> The big 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
>
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
>
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
> location
> now."
>
> Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never
> flown
> to Frankfurt before?!?"
>
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes I have, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
>
> --------------------------
>
> While waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany the following
> conversation was overheard:
>
> Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
>
> Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
>
> Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
>
> Why must I speak English?"
>
> Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost
> the
> bloody war!"
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