All good Southerners already know this, but in fairness to those Yankees
(northerners visiting the South) or Damn Yankees (northerners who visit the
South and stay) who may venture South, there are some things you need to
know. Southerners who may have Yankees visiting this season (such as you,
Liz), please pass this along.
1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a
day, so let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann,
Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whoop a man's ass for less than
that.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda ~ this can lead to a
merciless beating. Down South, it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC or
Big XII team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play
some ivy league school every week.
5. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are
more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated,
and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can
have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke).
We don't care if you think we're dumb ~ we know better!
6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend
your money, and leave.
7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone
will know you're from Ohio, New Jersey, or worse, Philadelphia. Eat the
biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't put sugar in your
grits.
8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot
faster.
9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you
don't like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy-ass northern
games, so don't ask about the scores. We simply don't care.
11. We know how to speak proper English ~ we talk this way because we want
to and we can. It's like playing jazz ~ you have to know how to do it right
first.
12. Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to bar-b-q.
This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa.
You're damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place, so
don't push your luck!
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