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tools & humour

To: "triumphs@autox.team.net" <triumphs@autox.team.net>,
Subject: tools & humour
From: Fred Thomas <vafred@erols.com>
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 1999 15:16:55 -0400
> THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
> By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA
>
> Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
> Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
> car, any place, any time.
>
> 1.    Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
stickum
> and plastic.  It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
> upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry
> package.  Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse

> competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning
> Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard.  The only thing that
> can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
> 2.    Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
wire
> twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
> tool.  The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only
> tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
> 3.    Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
doors,
> alternators, and other squeaky items.  Slicker than pig phlegm.
> Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the
> Andrea Dora to be removed by hand.  Strangely enough, an integral
> part of  these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out
> of the nozzle  if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst
> tools of all time.
> 4.    Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under

> the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve
> when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat
> butter.  Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
> replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
> afterward.  (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether
> or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
> lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the
> Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
> 5.    Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire.  Smack
corroded
> battery terminals.  Pound out a dent.  Bop nosy know-it-all types on
> the noodle.  Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the
> raw banging power of granite or limestone.  This is the only tool with

> which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's
> maiming.
> 6.    Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses

> and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked
> up version to the auto parts market.  Fifteen zip ties can transform a

> hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
> Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
> harness.  Of course, it works both ways.  When buying used cars,
> subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.
> 7.    Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:

> Let's admit it.  There's nothing better for prying, chiseling,
> lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed
> screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.
> This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located
they
> can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.
If
> you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop
> teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.
> 8.    Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
wire
> holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.  Like duct tape, it's
> not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll

> never replace it with the right thing again.  Bailing wire is a
> sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
> and flathead Ford set.
> 9.    Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy

> ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often
> do you separate tie-ends?  Once every decade, if you're lucky.  Other
> than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of
> undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.
>  Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that
> can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate
> tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
> 10.   A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
> (See #1 above.)
>
>
>


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