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Modern toolbox.

To: Shop talk <shop-talk@autox.team.net>
Subject: Modern toolbox.
From: bn1@pacbell.net
Date: Fri, 09 Nov 2001 19:52:15 -0800
Seemed appropriate for this list.

Bill Barnett


The Modern Toolbox

 Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict
 pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict
 pain on oneself.

 Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you
 call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
 you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
 handy screwdriver.

 Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the
 damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

 Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary
 few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down
 behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

 Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
 dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn
 on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

 Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never
 goes off when you point it at yourself.

 Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard
 with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing
 you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working
 on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

 Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of
 electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

 Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

 Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal
 to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging
 complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old
 paint off the side of the house.

 Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
 you accidentally built completely around yourself.

 Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
 the job you're doing or offer advice.

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