As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out
to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over
the last 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and
wealthy. Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the
message. Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue
on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal
and envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains and gooped up battery acid. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.
Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put
"Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use
cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot
day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, or send packages
by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise. I no longer
answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I
will get a phone bill with calls from all over the world. I no longer worry
about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that god only answers my prayers if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I am still waiting for my $1000.00 from AOL and Microsoft for participating
in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:40 tomorrow afternoon. I know this will happen, because it
actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Merry Frigg'n New Year,
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