At the risk of bandwidth, I feel I must acquaint members of this august
association with a
technique perfected by 'our Paul' in days of yore when he used to drive Grand
Prix
transporters.
Furthermore, I should add that I have personally experienced this alarm call
and its
effects are truly terrifying. To fully appreciate its scope and impact on the
individual,
the following scene-setter is required.
One or more people must be present in a vehicle. All of them, including the
driver, must
be known to be tired to the point of exhaustion and all must be desperately
trying to stay
awake - particularly the driver. At this point, whether the vehicle in question
is left or
right steer is irrelevant but for practical purposes in the example I am about
to
describe, the conveyance was right hand steer. When Paul practised this
technique, he
tells me it was in a large truck type of racing car transporter which had an
almost
horizontal steering wheel and a horn button on a right hand column stalk - away
from the
gaze of occupants alongside.
The technique is as follows:
1. Wait patiently until all of your passengers are fully in the land of nod.
This requires
careful watching out of the corner of your eye. A lolling head on chest, the
dribble of
saliva from an unclosed mouth are sure and positive indicators.
2. Wait until you are on a piece of wide straight road with no traffic coming
at you or up
from the rear. The road must be absolutely clear of other traffic
3. Carefully aim your vehicle in such a way that it is taking a very shallow but
nonetheless straight line towards the white line in the middle - and beyond
into the
opposing carriageway. A ditch, gulley and random trees on the far side of the
highway adds
essential and very meaningful realism to your passengers on what they will
think is about
to happen.
4. At this point, your scene is set and you can act.
5. Allow your left (or right) steering arm to fall suddenly and loosely from
your body -
and if it gently touches a passenger in the process, then so much the better.
Then arrange
your body in such a way that you are slumped across or on the steering wheel
with your
face away from your occupants and with your concealed other hand permanently
pressing hard
on the horn button. This gives them the impression (when they awake with what
can best be
described as a degree of suddenness) that you have passed out while still
driving and the
vehicle in which you are in (now 'unconscious') control is heading for certain
death.
Take my word for it, ladies and gentlemen, there is no way yet known to man of
waking a
passenger more quickly or seeing the look of stark terror on their faces when
they
'realise' what is about to happen.
The sonofa***** did just this to me within the last 24 hours and I very nearly
strangled
him on the spot!
Jonmac
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