December 1 -- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray
paint gold,
turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards
December 2 -- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas
message for answering machine.
December 3 -- Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine
cones,
fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 -- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with
mocha
trim.
December 5 -- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
>> >
>> > December 6 -- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer
>>committee for
>> > consideration.
>> >
>> > December 7 -- Debug Windows 2000
>> >
>> > December 10 -- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of
>>Earth.
>> >
>> > December 11 -- Lay Faberge egg.
>> >
>> > December 12 -- Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
>> >
>> > December 13 -- Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry
>>cutters,
>> > particularly for decorative piecrusts.
>> >
>> > December 14 -- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
>> >
>> > December 15 -- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade
>>"holiday
>>scents"
>> > in case tires are shot out at mall.
>> >
>> > December 17 -- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of
>>razor wire.
>> >
>> > December 19 -- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner
>>guest will
>> > be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
>> >
>> > December 20 -- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in
>> > confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
>> >
>> > December 21 -- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled
>>cider,
>>orange
>> > slices and cinnamon sticks.
>> >
>> > December 22 -- Float votive candles in toilet tank.
>> >
>> > December 23 -- Seed clouds for white Christmas.
>> >
>> > December 24 -- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
>>Be
>>seen
>> > engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many
>>people
>>feel
>> > less inadequate than they really are.
>> >
>> > December 25 -- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated
>>manger
>> > scented with homemade potpourri.
>> >
>> > December 26 -- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
>> >
>> > December 27 -- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
>> >
>> > December 31 -- New Year's Eve! Give staff their
>>resolutions.
>>Call a
>> > friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes
>>midnight in
>> > that country.
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