In the same vein, I read this in the current issue of "British Marque Club
News". It's probably made the rounds several times already, but it was new to
me and I got a kick out of it...
Tools of the Trade (and how to use them) by Will Garick (of the New England T
Party)
Drill Press -- A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, splattering it over that freshly painted part you were
drying.
E-Z Out bolt and stud extractor -- A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
10 times harder than any known drill bit.
Eight foot long Douglas fir 2x4 -- Used for levering an LBC upward off a
hydraulic jack.
Electric hand drill -- Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
holes, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just
above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
Hacksaw -- One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you try to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Hammer -- Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far away from the part
we are trying to hit.
Hydraulic floor jack -- Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front fender.
Mechanic's knife -- Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered from Moss Motors or TRF to your front door. Works
particularly well on boxes containing seats and other upholstery items.
Oxyacetylene torch -- Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various
flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum that contains the bearing race you're trying to remove.
Phone -- Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
Pliers -- Used to round off bolt heads.
Snap-On gasket scraper -- Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting doggy do-do off your boot.
Timing light -- A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
Tweezers -- A tool for removing wood splinters.
Vise grips -- Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can effectively transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Whitworth sockets -- Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles. They are now mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 in socket
you've been trying to find for the last 15 minutes.
Wire wheel -- Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes to say "Ouch".
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Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it has never been there when you need it.
Besides, there are only 11 things in this world you need to fix any car,
any place, any time.
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