---------------------- Forwarded by David J Stauffacher/TMG/CSC on 02/12/98
12:12 PM ---------------------------
This story was sent to me by a friend, and I'm sure most of us can
relate to something similar. Just our stories don't have as good an
outcome. The author is unknown.
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't
afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang,and her name
is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch
yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250
horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an
ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me
without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this
crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell
in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy
by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me
again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a
problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was
driving like an idiot? How, exactly?" "You were speeding. I watched
you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the
interrogator) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" (Ed.
note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here) "I can hear." "How
fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take
this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down." THE POLICE? This woman
is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she
observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story,
and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit
is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." give
the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me
with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I
began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to
turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop,
"Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She
whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?" The
cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this
woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met
up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross
the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a
45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense." "What?" The cop looks
confused. "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop
me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry
v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed,
she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense.
" The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did,
and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree
to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not
crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street." The
cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic
tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license,
as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she
demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she
walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've got a
law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
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