Hey, 'Beamer's,
You guy's have been really ribbing us about our driving
habits. I suppose it's just plain ignorance on what we have
to go through just to get a driver's license.
I have enclosed, below, a sample of the California DMV
Driver's License Test (Written). Available in 14
languages. I was fortunate to obtain one of the rare
English editions for the GMLA.
Here are the questions. How well would you do, buster (or
bustess?)?
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A.,
you
may not have realized that the California Department
of Motor
Vehicles has now issued a special application and
driver's test
solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here
it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE
APPLICATION:
Name:______________
Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________
Attorney: __________________
Sex: male ____ female _____ formerly
male_______
formerly female _____ both ______
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to
safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________
Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex
in a
car: _________
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this
sex. _________
Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________. (If you don't own a
cell
phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.
____________________
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check
all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers______________
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while
driving.
______________
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should
immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then
watch your car on
the
news on a high speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone
company
for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central resident).
Please indicate if you drive:
a) a Beamer (not 'Sun'!)
b) a Lexus
c) a Mercedes
d) a Cabriolet
If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
normal
delivery time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
ones,
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:
____.
Are you presently taking any of the following
medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
405
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus ensuring
yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
{9->
--
Steve Laifman < One first kiss, >
B9472289 < one first love, and >
< one first win, is all >
< you get in this life. >
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