Warning to all computer users.
>Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
>
>PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
>about foreign software.
>
>COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
>Secretly, you wish it would.
>
>HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a
>year later, in another directory.
>
>O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
>you just can't prove it.
>
>BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be
>much of a threat.
>
>STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
>
>PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
>warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.
>
>POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
>instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
>
>ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
>before the whole thing quits.
>
>TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
>
>DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but
>ewe cant figyour outt watt!
>
>GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
>software says everything is fine.
>
>NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
>really mad just thinking about it.
>
>FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
>little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
>claim to be the most important part of your computer.
>
>GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent
>of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
>margin of error).
>
>TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
>
>ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
>
>CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in
>half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The
>message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
>
>AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
>
>FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
>motherboard.
>
>PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
>
>ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
>destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
>across rural America.
>
>OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
>
>NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
>
>SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
>supply, and a set of shocks.
>
>JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
>
>KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
>
>STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
>
>HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
>and sends you a bill for $4,500.
>
>LUCAS VIRUS: Not to fear. This virus will not work with anything that has
>electricity in it. But if you turn your computer off you will not be able to
>start it. Solution should this occur: Whilst holding your bumpershoot in
>your left-most hand, give the CPU a smart rap on the right side and
>simultaneously perform a cold-boot with your left foot and a kick to the left
>side of the hard drive with your right foot. English shoes required to allow
>static discharge. While this will most likely not work, it will give a
>measure of satisfaction. A hand crank will sometimes work, if you remember to
>rotate the jammed Bendix in the starter first.
(;>
--
Steve Laifman < Find out what is most >
B9472289
< important in your life, >
< and don't let it get
away>
|