And I thought that The Vulture's spud guns were dangerous!
GJB
-----Original Message-----
From: Wm. Severin Thompson <wsthompson@thicko.com>
To: Team Thicko List <team-thicko@Autox.Team.Net>
Cc: BillDentin <BillDentin@aol.com>; Ed Proctor <kafka1@flash.net>; Elmo
Mancini <elmomancini@thicko.com>; Robin Kelly <RKelly4609@aol.com>; Tom
Colby <TColby9246@aol.com>
Date: Monday, January 19, 1998 8:19 PM
Subject: Gerbil Genocide...
>I've seen this before...but worth re-reading... (WST)
>
>(Editor's Note: In case you missed it, the following article appeared in
>
>major newspapers throughout the U.S.)
>
>"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
>trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
>
>the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
>homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
>
>treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
>
>"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
>
>in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that
>
>he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
>again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
>might attract him."
>
>At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
>happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
>
>shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
>his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
>turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
>
>the rodent out like a cannonball."
>
>Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
>impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
>burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
>-----------------------------------------------------------
>
>Editor Comments: Okay, here's the top ten things that scared me the
>most in reading this bizarre story.
>
>10.) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
>
>9.) "So I peered into the tube . . ." I'm sorry, but that's like
>looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
>stare at the sun.
>
>8.) That poor gerbil being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the
>Flying Squirrel. And where the hell is the S.P.C.A. when they are
>needed?
>
>7.) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
>someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil
>was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's anus.
>
>6.) Are there many people walking around like this with pent up
>volcanic pockets of gas in their rectums?
>
>5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
>doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
>made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
>breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before
>I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
>looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have
>this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
>
>4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
>the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does
>
>one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of
>
>burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
>
>God's green earth.
>
>3.) People named "Kiki" -- which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
>"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
>
>2.) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
>
>1.) You'd expect something like this in Los Angeles or San Francisco,
>but no! This happened in Salt Lake City! What kind of people are those
>Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
>
>
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