Oh! OH! (righteous indignation) I am SOOOOOOOOO offended by this. Don't post
this
again!!! My sides hurt to much from laughing <G> thanks Gerard Brad
Gerard Chateauvieux wrote:
> My apologies to my southern friends, but here's a little early Xmas humor.
>
> -g
>
> >
> >> > An announcement from Santa. . .
> >> >
> >> > I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
> >> > able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
> >> > overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
> >> > renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
> >> > only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
> >> >
> >> > As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk
> >> > and cookies, so keep that in mind.
> >> >
> >> > However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
> >> > local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
> >> > side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
> >> > delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
> >> > differences between us.
> >> >
> >> > Differences such as:
> >> >
> >> > 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your present from Bubba
> >> > Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
> >> > "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
> >> >
> >> > 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
> >> > an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
> >> > doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
> >> > empty spit can handy.
> >> >
> >> > 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
> >> > instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
> >> > reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
> >> >
> >> > 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
> >> > Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
> >> > on Martin, and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott, and Petty."
> >> >
> >> > 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
> >> >
> >> > 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
> >> > Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The
> >> > last I heard, there were other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
> >> > One is Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and
> >> > the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
> >> > Fairy.
> >> >
> >> > 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
> >> > and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
> >> > area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
> >> > the Bandit IV," featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
> >> > state patrol cars crashing into each other.
> >> >
> >> > 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
> >> > the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
> >> > presents under the tree.
> >> >
> >> > 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
> >> > "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
> >> > Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
> >> > all the AM radio stations in the South. The songs will be Mark
> >> > Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
> >> > for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If
> >> > You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
> >> >
> >> > Sincerely Yours,
> >> >
> >> > Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
> >> >
> >>
> >
>
> If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you
> probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
>
> G G Gerard Chateauvieux
> E A
> R R pixelsmith@gerardsgarage.com
> A A
> R G Pixelsmith on Duty
> D E
> S http://www.gerardsgarage.com
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