The following has been making the rounds of the North Bay British
Carclub. I'm sure those of you that have used a Haynes will appreciate it.
Ron Engelhardt
58 MGA
Haynes Manuals Explained.
=========================
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer in
either direction.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now
you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Prise...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Oh ****, where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some long-nosed
pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly
with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was
a map of the Tokyo underground (which would in fact have been more use
to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering doing this yourself, are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahaha.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw
it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one."
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you
can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away from plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off plastic locating pegs.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & mobile phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, except the one thing
that you actually need to do.
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