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No LBC, Friday pm humour

To: <mgs@autox.team.net>
Subject: No LBC, Friday pm humour
From: "Telewest \(PH\)" <paul.hunt1@blueyonder.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 15:09:14 +0100
> > >After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
> > >which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
> > >during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read
and
> > >correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
the
> > >form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
> > >sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
and
> > >engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged
maintenance
> > >complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution
> > >recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major
> > >airline that has never had an accident.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> > >
> > >  S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> > >
> > >  S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > >
> > >  S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > >
> > >  S: Live bugs on back-order.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> > >descent.
> > >
> > >  S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > >
> > >  S: Evidence removed.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > >
> > >  S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > >
> > >  S: That's what they're there for.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: IFF inoperative.
> > >
> > >  S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> > >
> > >  S: Suspect you're right.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Number 3 engine missing.
> > >
> > >  S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > >
> > >  S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Target radar hums.
> > >
> > >  S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > >
> > >  S: Cat installed.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >  P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> > >pounding on something with a hammer.
> > >
> > >  S: Took hammer away from midget.




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