Sadly, this actually resembles actual orders I've seen...
Ray
At 10:33 AM 12/17/97 EST, Richard D. Arnold wrote:
>DEPARTMENT OF THE ARMYChief of Staff, OperationsWashington, D.C.
> 15 December
>1997DA-CSOPSMEMORANDUM FOR ALL U.S. ARMY PERSONNEL, CONUS and OCONUS
>Installations and ActivitiesFROM COL CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE, OIC,
>Special Services, Department of the Army, Office of the Chief of
>Staff, Washington, D.C.SUBJECT: Official Visit/Site Inspection
>1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this
>headquarters approximately the evening of 24 December 1997 (2200 - 2400
>hours) and/or the early morning of 25 December 1997 (0001 - 0500 hours).
>The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of
>all personnel during the visit: A. Not a creature will stir without
>official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special
>stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained
>through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained
>through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services. B. Personnel will
>settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24
>December 1997. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton,light,
>drowsing, with Kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap,
>camouflage, w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900
>hours, 24 December 1997. C. Personnel will utilize standard field
>ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item
>will be drawn from the servicing diningfacility. D. Stockings,
>wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney (see paragraph 2 below)
>with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire
>hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will
>submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800, 24
>December 1997, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval. E. At the first sign
>of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to
>evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open
>the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint
>Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February
>1997, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing.
>Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are
>responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes
>thrown prior to start of official clatter. F. Prior to 2200 hours,
>24 December 1997, all personnel will be assigned"Wondering Eyes"
>stations. After shutters are torn and sashes are thrown, these stations
>will be manned. G. ODCSLOG will assign one (1) each Sleigh,
>miniature, M-66, and eight(8) each Deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus'
>driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable
>regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver
>Testing; have completed an approved DDC; be authorized rooftop parking;
>and be able to shout, "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up
>Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen."2. MG Claus will enter quarters
>through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney
>Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will
>be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the
>Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 1997, and issued on DA Form
>3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.3. Personnel will be rehearsed on
>shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." This shout
>will be given on termination of General Claus' visit. Uniformity of
>shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs, and will be
>accomplished in cadence.4. Exceptions to participation are as follows:
> A. Individuals whose personal moral or religious beliefs preclude
>their participation may request a waiver by submitting a DA Form 1776 to
>their COC NLT COB on 23 December 1997. B. Individuals who have not
>requested a waiver and who do not participate as indicated will face
>action under the applicable provisions of theUCMJ. C. Individuals
>who cannot participate (due to a bankruptcy of character), but do not
>qualify for a waiver under conscientious objector requirements as
>outlined in ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 5, paragraph 2b,
>this headquarters, 2 February 1997, may request assignment to Operation
>Grinch Assist at Whoville. (1). Individuals thus assigned
>will not be subject to penalties for being in violations of this action.
> (2). Assignment requests must be submitted thru the COC on a
>DA Form 4856, Request for Personnel Action, NLT COB 23 December 1997,
>ATTN: BG Eb Enezer-Scrooge, Camp Horton, Whoville.5. POC this action
>is the undersigned. /S/
> CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
>Colonel, MI OIC, Special
>ServicesDISTRIBUTION: All CONUS/OCONUS Installations and Activities
> All Personnel Everybody Who Still BelievesCOPIES:
> FILE MG CLAUS ELF LIAISON
>
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