mgs
[Top] [All Lists]

Re: Yank film (long, funny and very off-topic

To: Philip Raby <philip.raby@eos-magazine.com>
Subject: Re: Yank film (long, funny and very off-topic
From: Mike Carter <mcarter@score.com>
Date: Sun, 7 Dec 1997 23:40:22 -800 (PST)
Love it and so true.

                  Mike Carter


On Sun, 7 Dec 1997, Philip Raby wrote:

> I don't want to start another off-topic thread, but thought this was too 
> good not to share. Someone out there must have done an equivilent about 
> the British?
> 
> 
> 
> THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT AMERICAN FILMS
> 
> During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
> club at least once.
> 
> All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
> 
> All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
> level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
> 
> The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No
> one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
> any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
> 
> Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
> necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
> 
> A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating  but
> will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
> 
> Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
> you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
> 
> If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
> noises in their most revealing underwear.
> 
> Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
> 
> Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
> bullets.
> 
> If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could  be
> cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
> your mouth shut.
> 
> Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
> 
> A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
> 
> All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
> readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
> 
> When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
> 
> When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
> wisecracks are your best weapons.
> 
> One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
> men
> firing at 1 man.
> 
> Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
> closely.
> 
> If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.  German
> bullets
> are unable to penetrate water.
> 
> Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
> Systems of any invading alien civilisation.
> 
> Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
> international terrorist organisations - even though the job will require
> them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as
> the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
> 
> Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any
> of
> Their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
> 
> All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
> 
> Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
> they are
> deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
> 
> When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
> other.
> 
> Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
> despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
> 
> You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
> 
> Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
> unless
> it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
> 
> You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow
> tie.
> 
> When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
> person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
> 
> An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
> lasting damage to an eight year old child.
> 
> Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth
> birthday.
> 
> Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
> days before their retirement.
> 
> If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in
> Nuclear Fission at age 22.
> 
> The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will
> fall
> In love.
> 

<Prev in Thread] Current Thread [Next in Thread>