> TOOLS
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
> car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
> particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
> tonneau covers.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets
> in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great
> for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car
> just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
> board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
> unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
> its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
> to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
> garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth
> socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because
> you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter
> you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
>
> ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old
> Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no
> good reason.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
> the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
> against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
> somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
> removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
> about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
> after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
> springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward
> off a hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
> your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
> holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines
> you may have forgotten to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
> tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
> on the end without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
> acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
> determining
> that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
> a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin"
> which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
> aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
> the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
> the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
> than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
> used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
> impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
> 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them
> off.
>
>
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