I got this from one of my other car lists, enjoy!
-Aron Travis-
"always in a automotive frenzy"
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of
a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear
axle.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads..
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those
stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in
_there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid
for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch..
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month
old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for
no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench
grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air
dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward
off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters..
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit..
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you
may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox
after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just
as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw..
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
them off.
Jim: To which I can add these tips passed on to me by my Father, a
master craftsman..
CHISEL..
Device used for opening paint tins..
SCREWDRIVER..
Device used for stirring paint..
HAMMER
Device used for inserting screws. Used properly the screws can be
inserted sideways..
Hammers can also be used for pounding on paint tin lids to ensure that
the paint is immediately required again..
AXE
Metal wedge with a wooden handle. Used for digging holes in the
ground next to oversized pieces of fire-wood..
NAIL
Thin metal rod used for splitting expensive and rare wood. Often used
as an aiming point for those wielding a hammer, to enable them to make
attractive circular patterns in the precious and rare wood prior to
splitting it. Nails which have been hit have a characteristic right
angle bend..
SCREW
Metal fastener used for splitting wood..
Unused screws have a distinguishing slot which can be obliterated with
a screw-driver..
PAINT
Mysterious substance witht the following properties..
It can run vertically up a paint brush to your elbow..
It can succesfully slide of walls without leaving a mark, and then
appear magically on the bottoms of your shoes. If you clean it off
your shoes it appears on the new carpet in foot print patterns..
It can appear in one more shade than they show you in brochures..
Two coats of an identical paint in a precious area can always be
distinguished by colour, sheen and characteristic run marks..
>From Glen McGregor
You missed a few....
SCREWDRIVER: device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a
chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making
random gouges in things. The flat blade at the end can be removed if
desired by placing in the notch on a screw head and applying a
rotational pressure..
SOLDERING WIRE (silver): although this item was designed before the
invention of plastic, it's main use is as a replacement for
twist-ties..
STAPLEGUN: invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This
tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another as
staples are not made in that size..
BALL-PEEN HAMMER: Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by
Fransco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen
had not yet been invented, and the practice of hitting yourself in the
balls had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of
devices. Ballpeen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to
swat flies. Also used as a universal centerpunch, and for turning
fingernails black..
SIDCHROME SOCKET SET: When used as directed by manufacturer, will
effectively strip the thread from any known bolt. Older bolts can be
made to snap off flush with their retaining holes. ( See E-Z OUT )..
The metric sizes are good for rounding off bolts on older American and
English cars, and most Australian cars..
SIDCHROME RATCHET SOCKET HANDLE: A good substitute for any hammer..
CABLE-TIE: This ingenious device can be used to fix anything, some say
the Eiffel Tower is in fact made of cable ties..
>From Jim (Some even later entries)
SHIFTING SPANNER
See "HAMMER"
PAINT TIN
Used for (a) Preventing intentional access to paint without use of a
chisel..
(b) causing paint otherwise unavailable to dry out
(c) as a tempoary container just prior to spillage..
CHAINSAW
Surgical instrument. Used for removing excess body parts. Also for
cutting through wood-horses, and embedded metal in potential fire
wood..
Also use for generating interesting pyrotechnic displays when brough
into contact with concrete and non-existant rocks..
LADDER
Device used for breaking glass in high windows. Aluminium ones can be
used for an invigorating experience by bringing them into contact with
insulated overhead power-cables..
INSULATION
Used for adding thickness and cost to overhead cables without in any
way impeding the flow of electrons..
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