Brings to mind: http://www.brit.ca/%7Etboicey/comics/sst.html
Courtesy of Trevor Boicey and his British Car Humor site.
Greg Lemon
----- Original Message -----
From: "Kent McLean" <kentmclean@mindspring.com>
To: <healeys@autox.team.net>; "Spridgets" <spridgets@autox.team.net>
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 6:38 AM
Subject: Haynes manual translation
> Here is an oldie but goodie. I'm sure some of the newer
> listers will appreciate this guide that translates the
> Haynes manuals. - Kent
>
>
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with
> hammer anticlockwise.
>
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
>
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
>
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before
> you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the
> inside of a gearbox.
>
> Haynes: Pry...
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>
> Haynes: Undo...
> Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
>
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
>
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some
> good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
>
> Haynes: Lightly...
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins
> on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because
> this can not be lightly what you are doing now.
>
> Haynes: Weekly checks...
> Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
>
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
>
> Haynes: One spanner rating.
> Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage
> to botch it up?
>
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because
> two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought the
> wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact
> that would have been more use to you).
>
> Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you,
> you pleb!
>
> Haynes: Five spanner rating.
> Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
>
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
>
> Haynes: Compress...
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on,
> swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark
> corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly
> under your breath.
>
> Haynes: Inspect...
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what
> you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to
> your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
>
> Haynes: Carefully...
> Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
>
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone
> you know.
>
> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs
> removed.
> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be
> much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has
> subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly
> refit the spark plugs.
>
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> Translation: But you swear in different places.
>
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> Translation: Snap off...
>
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable
> drift!
>
> Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
> heat.
>
> Haynes: Index
> Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you
> want to do!
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