PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE YOU HAVE AN E-MAIL ADDRESS FOR.
If you receive an e-mail titled "Goodtimes" DO NOT OPEN IT..... This
information was announced yesterday morning in a joint press conference with
Microsoft, IBM, AOL and the Vatican. This is a very dangerous virus, much
worse than Melissa, Aids and toenail fungus combined. You and I are the only
person on the planet that know about it, so QUICK, WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT
THAT LAST INCONSISTENT STATEMENT... HOLD DOWN THE shift KEY and PASS this
warning along to EVERYONE in your address book and please share it with all
your friends any where in the world, including dogs and little children ASAP
so that this threat may be STOPPED.
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate
your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It
will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking
on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks
out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead
kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys
when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give
you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and
shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back
and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead,
such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully
those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's
voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and
terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then
leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers
with your new snowblower.
Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist.
It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message
to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone
else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn
hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a
horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.
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