thought this was funny . . . . . . .
SHOP TOOLS EXPLAINED
Hammer- Originally employed as a weapon of war. Now used as a kind of
divining rod to locate expensive parts in the immediate
vicinity of the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic's Knife- Used to slice open cardboard cartons delivered from
your favorite parts supplier, works particularly well on
boxes containing new hoods or seatcovers. Also useful to keep
hospital physicians informed
as far as what project you happen to be working on, by way
of blood trail back to project's home.
Electric Hand Drill- Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age. Also works well for locating wiring,
brake lines, and the occasional finger or knee,depending on position
used.
Slip Joint Pliers- Used to round off bolt heads, crack nuts and make
blood blisters on your fingers. Also doubles as a 'greenie'
bottle top remover when the proper tool falls in the garage floor drain.
Drill Press- A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching bar
stock out of your hands so it cracks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it across the babe-filled
calendar over the bench grinder.
Wire Wheel- Cleans rust off old bolts and propels them at the speed of
light somewhere under the workbench. Also removes
fingerprint whorls, skin from knuckles, and promotes visits to your
friendly eye doctor(see safety glasses).
Safety Glasses- Protection for the eyes. Seldom used until after
visiting the above friendly eye doctor to remove metal
fragments.
Hydraulic Floor Jack- Used for lowering your streetrod after installing
drop spindles,trapping the jack handle firmly between the
tire, fender, and front crossmember.
Eight-foot-long 2x4- Used for levering streetrod upwards to free the
above hydraulic jack.
Tweezers- Used for removing wood splinters.
Shop Phone- designed to call your nearest buddy so he can let you borrow
his hydraulic floor jack, drink your beer for free and
laugh at you because you laughed at him for the same thing last week.
Bolt and Stud Extractor- Tool designed to break off the first time it is
used. Also harder than any known drill bit.
Timing Light- A stroboscopic instrument used to illuminate greasy engine
pulleys. Also makes dance effects when your favorite
song comes on the shop radio.
Shop Broom- Least-used tool in any garage, unless favorite album is
playing and the timing light above is blinking, usually used
after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, but before losing
conciousness. Has never made the twanging sound in use, although
the person holding it tries to get it to by talking to it and waving it
and spinning about the floor.
Two-Ton Chain Hoist-Used for testing the tensile strength of ground
cables and electrical wires you forgot to disconnect when
removing an engine.
Battery Electrolyte Tester- Used to transfer sulfuric acid from your
battery onto the fenders,the sleeve of your new shirt,or the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is indeed as
dead as you thought.
Trouble Light- The mechanic's own Tanning Booth. Sometimes called a
'Drop Light', it's main purposes are to(1)burn your
fingers,(2)make white spots in front of your eyes, and(3)consume 40-watt
lightbulbs faster than the owner can drain his
greenies. More often dark than light, it's name is somewhat of a
misnomer.
Air Compressor- A machine that takes energy produced from a power plant
some miles away and converts it into pressurized
air; which, when used with an air impact and the proper-sized socket on
a rusty suspension nut tightened at least 40 years ago
promptly rounds the nut off.
Butane Lighter- Kept in toolbox to light acetyline torch below even
though you know you bought 5 new 'spark' lighters a week ago
and cannot find them. Usually results in singing all the hair off of one
hand.
Oxy-Acetyline Torch- Otherwise known by the 'Blue Wrench', the 'Hot
Wrench' or the'Persuader'. Produces a hot flame used to
remove rounded-off nuts and bolts and to cut various metals into
unrecognizable shapes. Also produces an erratic 'Texas
Two-Step' when a hot piece of cutting slag burns a hole into the top of
your new GoreTex boot.
Philips Screwdriver- Normally used as an alignment tool(note the bends),
a leather punch, or to stab the foil safety seal on a
bottle of brake fluid, power steering fluid, carb cleaner, or other
liquid, causing many splashes on your new racing/rod run/cute
buns T-shirt. Also used for rounding out the slots in the head of a
Philips screw.
Straight Blade Screwdriver- A device used to pry with(note the
bends),such as when opening a can or retracting caliper pistons.
Also a tensioning device for many makes of automobile and truck
accessory drive belts. Does an excellent job of slipping off a
flat-blade screw and
scratching paint or causing bloody knuckles to the operator.
Chisel- A hand-held cutting tool. When swung at with a hammer it is
usually missed, causing great pain to the hand that holds it.
In this respect it also informs the ER doctors of your project's current
progress.
MIG Welder- A handy tool used to join metals which once were not. Also
doubles as a tanning implement, either in conjunction
with above Trouble light or used separately. Myriad side effects include
burnt hair smell, metal droplet-impregnated window
glass around the machine, and numerous holes growing by magic on the
operator's clothes. Side effects may include drawing
blood from a finger when feeding wire through the nozzle, large spots
before the eyes, and a skin rash that curiously looks like
chicken pox.
Hacksaw- A hand-held cutting tool used in a back-and-forth fashion on a
too-large piece of metal. Never cuts a straight line. Will
however reveal internal finger structure at stressful times, either by
breaking it's cutting blade and causing you to bash your
hand into the work, or by jumping out of the cutting groove and biting
the hand that holds the workpiece down.
Sheetmetal Snips- Useful tool for putting 'teeth' on any piece of
sheetmetal it touches, causing even more bloodletting or a
painful metal sliver to become buried in the nearest skin it brushes
against.
Oil-Dry- Sometimes referred to as 'Kitty Litter' which it closely
resembles, although it has no taste when dropped into your
buddys greenie for a prank, or for laughing at you after the Floor Jack
episode. Designed to absorb most garage and automotive
liquids, will make dirt wherever water contact is made, and yelling by
She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed when firstcontacting oil and
then carpeting.
Breaker Bar: long handled ratchet type device used specifically for
breaking the heads off of only the back bolts of exhaust
manifolds allowing you to slip and fall, land on your chest and break
your ribs (back to the ER)
on the radiator cap..hence the name "Breaker Bar" this also leads to
practice with the Bolt and Stud Extractor (see above).
3/8 to 1/4 drive adaptor: This tool is used to add higher torque to very
small objects with little or no effort from the operator
easily snapping off Bolt and Stud Extractors and Taps. Also allows you
to easily strip the heads from all those aggravating little
5/16 body screws with no effort at all. Also works well with a 1/2 to
3/8 adapter even for more effortless destruction of small
expensive sockets and
parts when used with the correct Breaker Bar. (see above)
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