In message <9409232340.AA12419@avistar.com> Scott Fisher writes:
> 1. You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven
> for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens. You:
>
> A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer
> where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected. The
> dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for
> a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail
> shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.
>
> B. Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point
> you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
> installed.
>
> C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your
> stable is currently running and drive around at high speed
> to charge the battery quickly.
D. If in a hurry jump into one of the other cars & take it. if not in a hurry,
check batt. fluid levels, clean batt posts, jump start if voltage low, if not,
check batt to starter motor connections. Watch the voltmeter while driving to
see if charging circut is working correctly.
>
> 2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a
> new battery. You:
>
> A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk
> loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780 to
> replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they
> throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on
> the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway
> and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).
>
> B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the
> dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before
> the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license,
> depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.
>
> C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing
> a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
> install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax and a
> new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the terminal.
D. having watched the voltmeter after the first incident and having fixed any
problems with the charging circuit, get out a wiring diagram and multimeter to
find the short and fix the short.
>
> 3. Having decided to sell the car, you dither about what to get,
> and finally decide on:
>
> A. Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave
> it their highest overall rating.
>
> B. Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and
> Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the top
> three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.
>
> C. A Jaguar XJ-S. I mean, as long as the car's going to give you
> electrical problems, you might as well have something absolutely
> glorious, right?
D. SELL THE CAR?!!!! NEVER!! Now maybe add another car which will allow you to
do something the others won't, or of another marque, so you can join in the
activities of another club. Of course you can add a car that came from a bad
home and needs to be loved, or one that is incrediably great and you just can
not live without one. Always go for the best example you can afford.. unless
the car you are looking at needs you. XJ-S Big boat with automatic
transmission? How about an EX-factory rally Austin Healey BJ8? or a Lotus Super
Seven, or other practical car
>
> 4. When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:
>
> A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a
> free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.
>
> B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that
> has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum.
>
> C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your
> knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car, you
> will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
>
> 5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
>
> A. $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory invoice
> because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
>
> B. The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home,
> knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your*
> full asking price on the trade in.
>
> C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have
> in your 401(K) and next month's house payment. I mean, some
> things are just more important than others.
>
> 6. When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:
>
> A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when the
> preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then sits on
> the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
>
> B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on the
> new paint.
>
> C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see where the
> drips under it are coming from.
D. replace diff, transmission, steering box, brake, clutch fluids with new
correct Castrol/LMA DOT4 fluids because you know that everyone forgets to
replace them at regular intervals and you want to see whats low. You run out
and purchase the factory manual and read through the maintnenece section, then
visually inspect the car from one end to the other to try to get a feel for what
parts will need replacing soon, and to do minor preventitive maintnence. This
getting aquointed step is called making the car yours.
>
> 7. You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
> own this car, you:
>
> A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components
> you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.
>
> B. Look through the Tire Rack ads in back issues of Road and Track
> to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.
>
> C. Look through the Moss Motors catalog to see when they're
> planning a sale so you can stock up on the parts you expect to
> fail in the next few months.
D. You go through everyone's catalogues to see what handling options are
available to allow you to go around corners faster, join the local and national
marque clubs and start marking club events on your calander
>
> 8. When it's time for your first oil change, you:
>
> A. Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have
> factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
>
> B. Take it to Oil Changers -- after all, it's important to have a
> handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
>
> C. Drain the sump and refill it with Castrol -- after all,
> Col. George E. T. Eyston was sponsored by Castrol for all of his
> famous record-breaking runs in the Fifties.
D. Did that when the car first came home. You don't know how others may have
mistreated your new car.
>
> 9. When it's time for its first overnight service, you:
>
> A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of
> driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model,
> equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD
> jukebox. Driving your old car isn't going to be the same after
> you've been in this one.
>
> B. Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality means you
> should never have to worry about service, right?
>
> C. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks
> while you respray the fenders where they got damaged when you
> dropped the engine hoist on them, which you needed because you
> can't get to the two rearmost sparkplugs without pulling the motor,
> and when you did that the engine hoist tilted forward, and you
> figure you're *sure* you can drive it on those motor mounts if
> you use Grade 8 hardware, they're not really bent all THAT
> badly, and it was only a heater hose that got ruptured and you
> can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you
> don't run the heater till then...
D. Overnight service? If I allow someone else to work on one of my cars, I make
very sure they know the marque well and have an excellent repitation for working
on that marque and model. If their references all check out, I'll allow them to
work on it once and fully evaluate the quality of work before allowing them to
touch it a second time. Too many hacks out there who wouldn't know a dashpot
from a set of points.
>
> 10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow
> your car. You:
>
> A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's advanced
> safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an accident.
> That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.
>
> B. Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero
> Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need
> the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.
>
> C. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start the
> car on the first three tries, how to keep it running without stalling
> until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates the power
> windows, the bass button on the radio works the parking lights and
> the heater fan, and the rear defroster switch works the high beams,
> and of course the heater hose got ruptured when you were changing
> the spark plugs so be sure to bring a sweater and a towel to clear the
> condensation off the inside of the windshield. Oh, and don't forget
> not to push in the cigarette lighter. You don't want to know what
> happens if you do that.
D. Suggest that they take a bus, or offer to drive them to their destination.
>
>
> YOUR SCORE
>
> If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a
> Volvo. Rush right out and buy one, preferably an 850, which after
> all has front-wheel drive and is therefore more up-to-date. Be sure
> to ask the car sales person about what all the letters and numbers on
> the tires mean; after all, it's the sales person's job to be completely
> informed on every technical aspect of your car, right?
>
> If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a
> Japanese car. Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter-
> changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's
> a two-letter code with at least one X in it. That's the important thing.
>
> If you answered C, you may actually be far enough gone to own a
> British car. To decide for certain, put a half-pound of crushed
> ice in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel
> with used motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out
> in the rain overnight, smiling like an idiot because you know
> that the experience builds Character. If you manage that,
> you're in the club!
And if you spend time in D. your off the deep end.
>
> --Scott "1. C, 2. C, 3. C, 4. C, 5. C, 6. C, 7. C, 8. C, 9. C, 10. C" Fisher
>
TeriAnn "1.D, 2. D, 3. D, 4. C, 5. C, 6. D, 7. D, 8. D, 9. D, 10. D"
TeriAnn Wakeman Large format photographers look at the world
twakeman@apple.com upside down and backwards
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