Thanks, Todd. I needed that. Sometimes a little satire makes a point
better than all the discussion in the world!!
At 01:50 AM 9/27/99 -0400, CSRX7@aol.com wrote:
>The SCCA has just announced the location and format for the year 2000 Solo II
>National Championships. The new format is designed to please every driver,
>and give every car/driver combination a completely equal chance to win. SCCA
>has also managed to eliminate any unfair advantage due to all circumstances,
>both foreseen and unforeseen.
>
>Through newly acquired sponsorship and newly introduced technology the event
>will, for the first time, be completely successful at making the world a fair
>and happy place for each and every person who wishes to compete.
>
>The first change is the location. In the year 2000, the event will be held
>within 1 mile of the home of every Solo II driver in the country, in order to
>eliminate the need to travel. Anyone who is unable to make the 1 mile trip
>will be transported there free of charge by the National Office.
>
>The date will also be chosen so as not to conflict with any competitor's
>personal schedule. To accomplish this, SCCA will be contacting every person
>living in North America, whether they are Solo II competitors or not. All
>other activities, World-Wide, will be halted for the week of the event so as
>to free up everyone who wishes to attend. This includes, but is not limited
>to, all unforeseen accidents and medical problems, the schedules of every
>living human being, the starting of all schools, and all child births.
>
>SCCA is also working closely all governments and employers in existence to
>deem the Solo II National Championships a national holiday. Part of this
>agreement will require all employers to give competitors the time off, with
>pay, so they will be able to attend. As a side note, anyone who informs their
>employer that they compete in Solo II will be given a raise sufficient to
>make their year of competition affordable.
>
>Through the SCCA's newest and most impressive sponsor ever, God, all weather
>will be perfect for the event. The weather provided will be rain-free, 70
>degree days with a 2 to 5 mph breeze to keep the air fresh and pleasant.
>Humidity level will be perfect, as well. At night, after the event site has
>been vacated, a light rain will wash the course surface clean, and free of
>any debris. A light breeze will then dry the surfaces by the next day.
>Amazingly, all course markings will be preserved and perfectly visible at all
>times.
>
>Also through the sponsorship agreement with God, all damaged areas on the
>course surfaces will heal prior to the following driver's run. This will
>assure a perfect course, at all times, for every driver.
>
>Starting no later than January 1, 2000, specially chosen cult leaders will
>visit each and every family in existence. The purpose of these visits will be
>to program an irreversible and strong love of autocrossing into every living
>human being. This will certainly eliminate the problems so many drivers have
>with families who do not live and breathe our beloved sport. Anyone who does
>not conform will be killed.
>
>The last problem that SCCA has been able to overcome is that of vehicle and
>driver differences. For the year 2000 season, SCCA announces that every car
>and every driver will now be equally competitive. This should solve the
>never-ending problem of some cars not being nationally competitive in their
>class, as well as some drivers having to compete against "ringers" in their
>respective class. To accomplish this, every car/driver combination will be
>given their own class. Also, in the event that a driver DNF's every run, they
>will be allowed to be an honorary class winner.
>
>Incidentally, it has already been pointed out to the Solo Events Board that
>there are still likely to be some drivers who will not be able to trophy in
>their own, private class, under these new rules. The SCCA is working hard to
>address this problem and should find a way to overcome this situation by the
>end of this year.
>
>The final change will be made to course design. The SCCA has developed a new,
>perfect course design. It will be ideal in every way to every car/driver
>combination, and will not favor anyone over another. Look for course maps on
>the official SCCA website by December.
>
>Lastly, the Solo Events Board guarantees that the Solo II National
>Championships will meet each and every competitor's own definition of fun.
>Mind readers will survey all Solo II competitors throughout the year and the
>SCCA will carefully tailor the program to meet everyone's wants and needs.
>
>In conjunction with this important announcement, the SCCA National Office has
>released the following statement:
>"The SCCA has finally taken careful note of all of the whining on Team.net
>over this past few weeks. We might add, by the way, that it all appears to be
>profoundly relevant to autocrossing and the furthering of the sport. We thank
>you all, from the bottom of our hearts, for opening our eyes to the
>deficiencies we, and life in general, have burdened the Solo community with
>for all of these years. We hope to serve each and every person to the best of
>their expectations and desires, and to make life completely fair for all
>humanity that might ever wish to compete in our events. Certainly, we have
>missed the boat so far by not being able to do so."
>
>
>
>Gosh, I can't wait to attend next year!!
>
>Todd Cameron, San Diego Region (now I suppose I've just embarrassed all of my
>fellow region members)
>
>Didn't go this year because my son started kindergarten, and as much as I
>would have loved to go to Nationals, I wouldn't have missed Gary's first week
>of school for anything in the world. (I guess I'm just not a dedicated
>autocrosser.) Damn, I guess I should have hopped on the Team.net bitching
>band wagon about how unfair life is, instead of accepting that things don't
>always work out and I can't have everything go my way. What in the hell was I
>thinking?
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