I just want to alert you all to a terrible disease that afflicts a few
people travelling through the Vancouver, BC area. It's called "Phantomitus."
Luckily, it is not contagious. You have to come into direct contact with the
bug for it to contaminate your blood, skin, and yes, even your thoughts.
This all started last weekend. Earlier in the year, Joe Cheng very nicely
asked me if I'd be interested in driving the Phantom at the Can-Am
Challenge. I didn't know there was anything called Phantomitus, so I
rejoicefully, yet naively, accepted the challenge.
Let me say here and now that this was beyond a dream come true. If it were a
dream come true, I'd already have to have the dream. Never in my life would
I ever imagine myself of all people driving the Phantom, in Vancouver, of
all places.
For those of you who don't know, the Phantom is Joe Cheng's specially built
A Mod work of art, the one that's dominated the class at the Solo II
Nationals for the past three years. It is the fastest autocross car in the
world.
Anyway, the euphoric sensation, as I later found out, is just the early
phase of the disease. You start to believe you're living the life of a
fairy-tale, that Snow White was just a victim exploited by a bunch of
dwarves.
The contamination occurs very discreetly, and progresses quite slowly, until
you actually start to believe you ARE the best. Your helmet fits a lot
tighter, and you suddenly know everything there is about autocross. You
believe your feelings of omnipotence will continue for as long as you live.
I am sad to now report, that these feelings disappear immediately upon
autocrossing any other sort of car. It is quite the humbling experience when
you learn AGAIN that there are plenty of cars and drivers faster than you.
And believe you me, when you crash, you crash HARD.
I ran in the 7th out of 8 run groups last Sunday in Stockton. This gave me a
full day to casually wander about the parking lot with my complete photo
gallery featuring me in a wide variety of poses in the Phantom. "Oh, here I
am narrowly missing that cone," I'd say to my wide-eyed audience." "Here I
am giving Joe Cheng driving advice," I'd say, unaware that this was simply
the DISEASE talking. In the fog of my Phantom dimentia, I had completely
forgotten that it was the OTHER WAY AROUND.
The disease had manifested itself in a variety of different ways. Although
as I've said, it is not contagious, it did effect those around me,
especially when I was announcing for the fifth run group. I noticed that the
spectators, drivers, and course workers were rolling around on the ground,
gagging, and yelling, "Please, make her stop, make her stop!" Looking back,
I can see the toll of the disease! I had stopped the event, solely for the
purpose of telling all within earshot about my Phantom exploits.
Again, to all: that wasn't ME, that was the DISEASE talking!
Well, the crash began in the 7th run group. We got four runs each. The
course consisted of some zig zags, some turn arounds, a slalom, and a really
fun S turn through the finish. I can tell you my first thoughts after my
first run: "There is something terribly wrong. Did I remember to stiffen
Lucy's shocks? Why does this car WALLOW so much! My GOD, what happened to
the brakes! And where did the power go?"
But there was something even worse that the announcer, Scot Zediker, kindly
pointed out: I made my first run with the trunk OPEN!
Clearly, this was another manifestation of the disease. My subconscious told
me to leave the trunk open to give Lucy more DOWN FORCE!
Which was clearly lacking, by the way. In my delirium, I thought I could
take the turn-arounds at full throttle. I thought maybe, the faster I'd
enter the turn, the better adhesion I'd get, and maybe, I'd get top time of
day again.
Again?! What was happening to my mind!
Things got only worse later on, though, when the disease started destroying
my brain's capacity for logical thinking. I actually started planning for a
big wing to go directly over Lucy's head, just something to contribute to
more down force, because this slowing down stuff just really, really SUCKS!
And then somebody said it. "You only did a 38.6? I did that on my FIRST
RUN!" And he snorted.
He SNORTED! And then he not very politely told me by how many SECONDS he
beat me. I had no comeback, no excuse. He drove better than I did! And we
don't even have a special "ladies index," so there was NO way I'd be able to
talk myselt out of this one.
Well, that was enough to bring me back to reality. There are so many
excellent drivers out there that if you walk around acting like the best,
you will sooner or later look like a very silly, silly person.
Which reminds me that there are several people PRONE to Phantomitus who
haven't even been exposed to the bug yet. It is clear that the gene is
prevelant, but I think it can be controlled, either with medication, or in
my case, large doses of humility, event after event after event.
Ironically, two people who've been exposed to the Phantomitus strain for
four years now, Joe Cheng and Gary Milligan, show absolutely no symptoms of
the virus. I think it's because they've put so much hard work and love into
the Phantom that they are immune to the disease.
No, this isn't my NAP article. I'm workin' on it!
I started it last week, when I was still "under the influence."
Katie Kelly
Ace Reporter
North American Pylon
(800)KT-KELLY
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Guilt slows your metabolism.
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